Who says you can't go home again? Lots of people are.
Elina Furman moved back in with her mom after college, and didn't leave until she was 30. Does that seem weird?
It shouldn't. Nearly 18 million Americans ages 18-to-35 are doing it too, the U.S. Census Bureau reports, to save money, to regroup after a bad job or bad relationship, or to change careers. Some people stay six months, others stay six years. They even have a name: boomerangers. (As in they get thrown out and come right back.)
When Furman decided it was time to move out, she started feeling guilty and was doing some research on empty nests for her mother. She found others her age who were living at home and it made her feel a lot better about her situation. So much, in fact, that she wrote "Boomerang Nation," a sort of how-to for parents and kids on moving back in. She quotes about 200 other boomerangers in similar positions all over the United States.
"I thought, if people could read something that resonated with them and gives good advice about boundaries, how close is too close, it would be really helpful," said Furman, now 32. She now lives with her boyfriend and is just five blocks from her mother in New York's Upper East side.
"In our culture we chastise boomerangs, but we put all this focus on 'family values,'" she said. "But if you don't leave your house and move thousands of miles away, there is something wrong with you. People say 'Oh, they can't grow up, they can't mature.'"
But the traditional idea of adulthood is changing, said Frank Furstenberg, Jr., a University of Pennsylvania sociologist who published an article on the topic last summer with the American Sociological Association.
Furstenberg found a sharp decline in the percentage of young adults who have left home, finished school, gotten married, had a child and reached financial independence by age 30. In 2000, just 31 percent of men and 46 percent of women had achieved those goals, compared to 65 percent and 77 percent in 1960 for men and women, respectively.
He doesn't think the trend is psychological; rather, it's caused by significant changes in the economy.
"They are not getting the kind of jobs their parents were getting, and the equivalent job isn't as good," Furstenberg said. "It doesn't have the security, or benefits. It falls on the family to help out financially more now."
Furman's situation is a bit different from the average boomeranger. Her parents divorced and she moved home to Chicago to help her mother. She lived with her mom and sister, and really enjoyed their company. Plus she had a long-distance boyfriend, so she was often off visiting him.
When the girls moved from Chicago to New York for a little adventure, their apartment shrank and things started falling apart. She broke up with her boyfriend and was home all the time.
"We had no boundaries. I started to feel like I wasn't allowed to live my life on my own, like I had to negotiate with other people," she said.
Her sister was the first to move out, then finally, Furman moved in with her new boyfriend. It was hard to sever the ties. It's still hard. She talks to her mom once a day but sometimes she still feels responsible for her.
In her book, Furman offers tips you'd never think about, like before you go back to mom and dad's, be sure to have sex on your living room couch -- you won't have the chance again. She also advises people to discuss whether they're expected to pay rent and do the dishes, and decide how long they are planning to stay.
Furman has written several other self-help books, some penned with her sister, and she's currently working on a book about commitment-phobic women.
"I think moving back in can be healthy. But you have to be careful and not stay too long, you have to have room to mature," she said. "Maybe you don't have to move across the country to mature, though. It's OK to be near your family."
That's a good thing, since Furstenberg said the trend of adults living with their parents isn't going to reverse any time soon.
"I don't think young people are staying home because they like to do it. They feel like they need to," he said. Looking at a more relaxed timetable "dispels the parents' feelings of 'What have I done wrong?' And also the children's fears of 'I'm not where my mother or father was at this point in life.'"
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Colleen Long is an asap staff reporter.
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