Skeptical of bigfoot's existence before, JOHN MARSHALL is more of a nonbeliever after a three day hunt
TILLAMOOK, Ore.
John Marshall, bigfoot hunter. (AP Photo/John Marshall)
My lower back felt like an elephant was kneeling on it. My knee was the size of a grapefruit. My shins looked like Jeff Gillooly (think Nancy Kerrigan) had taken a few whacks with a pipe. My brain was stuck in idle.
And I wasn't the only one.
Each time we came across someone who had been on the quest the day before, they looked the same as us: as if we had been dragged behind a horse. Spend nine hours wading across pirahna-infested waters (OK, that's an exaggeration) and through jungle King Kong would have trouble with (that's not), you're going to have that ashen, slump-shoulder, night-of-the-living-dead look.
With so many of us still recovering from what felt like a death march, it's no wonder everyone was still in camp when we -- me and buddies Eric Gruber and Mike Packard -- arrived from our hotel (we weren't about to spend another night in the back of an SUV after that) around noon.
The leaders of the expedition were still looking at maps around 3 p.m., so we decided that was it: the bigfoot hunt was over.
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Shockingly (note the sarcasm), the three-day trip didn't result in proof the beasts exist. We found plenty of birds, dozens of giant slugs, a pair of salamanders, a bull elk that one person saw, an elk carcass and plenty of elk bones -- but no sasquatch.
Members of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization invited me out to Oregon's coastal range in hopes that I, being an objective skeptic, would be able to verify their belief that bigfoot is more than a myth.
It didn't work out quite like they had hoped.
Part of the problem was the weather. We had about three hours sunshine total in the three days and too-many-to-count downpours, limiting our ability to search. I don't ever want to wear a poncho again.
Even with the dark skies and soaked ground, it didn't seem likely that we were going to find the big fella, at least to us skeptics.
The closest we came to any kind of contact was a response to expedition leader Matt Moneymaker's fire-engine calls the first evening of the trip. It sounded a whole lot like coyotes to Gruber and I, but almost all of the other two dozen or so people were sure it was a bigfoot.
Part of it is the culture: they WANT to hear bigfoot.
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One person I told about the trip said it was a psychological issue, that they had something missing in their lives, maybe a lack of a father figure growing up, and were looking for something to fill the void.
I don't buy that theory, but I do think people who look for bigfoot do their best to perpetuate the myth.
Bigfoot has been sighted in nearly every corner of the globe, from the Pacific Northwest, the Rockies and Canada to Malaysia, Russia and South America. Reports of the creature date back to the 18th century and it's been called a variety of names -- bigfoot, sasquatch, yeti, abominable snowman -- depending on what part of the world you're in.
Bipedal, covered in hair and standing anywhere between 7 and 10 feet, the bigfoot has taken on an almost mythological aura, sort of like aliens at Area 51. So far, most scientists discount existence of this creature, citing the lack of conclusive evidence, specifically a body or bones.
Though there have been footprints casts, sound recordings and even video footage purportedly to be of the creature, authenticity has been difficult to prove, particularly with a number of acknowledged hoaxes.
But those who search for this creature, while decent people -- at least the ones on our expedition -- seem to buy into its existence too much, to the point that their view is skewed.
One member of the group told us we had to listen to a CD that purportedly had audio recordings of bigfoot, saying he got chills the first time he heard it. It didn't have the same effect on us; the recordings were from the 1970s -- isn't there anything newer? -- and sounded more like a combination of monkeys, gorillas and people speaking Japanese.
But many times, when you believe in something so strongly, nearly everything supports your theory, no matter what you hear to the contrary.
That was evident on the final day, when someone played a recording of the sounds from the first day for Packard, who arrived late and hadn't heard it yet. Within seconds, we had about eight people hovering around the recorder, intently listening to the barely-discenable noises for about the 10th time. They wanted to believe it was bigfoot, therefore the noises they heard were from one.
And there's always a reason why bigfoot's existence has ever been proven beyond a doubt: they're too smart, too shy or live in isolated areas.
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Sometimes, it's almost as if bigfoot trackers DON'T want to find him.
When Moneymaker got a response to his whooping call the first day, he switched tones and knocked on trees to see if they'd answer. They never did, leaving Gruber and I wondering why he never went back to the initial noise. In the bigfoot recordings CD, the narrator describes how the creatures came to their camp one night, but they didn't want to shine a light to see them because it would scare them away.
Now, Moneymaker says they've heard bigfoots, come across their footprints and seen the creatures in previous expeditions. We never had anything that came close to proving its existence, which only added to our skepticism.
Of course, I could be way off on this. Bigfoot could be out there. And if he does show up, I'll be the first to apologize to the people who hunt for him and admit I made a mistake.
Until then, consider me a nonbeliever.
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Read John Marshall's earlier dispatches on the hunt for Bigfoot.
Part I: Squatch! The hunt for Bigfoot is on
Part II: Bigfooted Blunder
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John Marshall is asap's sports writer, based in Denver.
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