Hat does the trick. Ellen DeGeneres hugs musical guest Tim McGraw during the taping of her talk show at the Universal Orlando Resort. (AP Photo/HO/TelePictures/Kevin Kolczynski)
Would you like Ellen with that? Ellen DeGeneres prepares to deliver room service at the Hard Rock Hotel for a segment on her show. (AP Photo/HO/TelePictures/Kevin Kolczynski)
Ellen greets the audience -- including the Riff Rafters.
Push me. Ellen discovers a TNT plunger that has a watery effect on the Riff Raft.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a talk show trip. That started from this theme park port, aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty reportin' man, the skipper not around. The passengers set sail that day, for a two-hour tour, a two-hour tour.

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It is perhaps the hottest ticket in Central Florida.

No, it's not a roller coaster. And it's not just admission to the on-location shoot for Ellen DeGeneres' talk show at the Universal Orlando Resort. No, the most exclusive ride in this town known for splashy attractions is the Riff Raft.

After three seasons and 5 Daytime Emmys, DeGeneres' daytime talk show has developed several staples: dancing, chitchatting, and channeling overflowing audience members into the Tom Hanks Riff Raff Room -- the offstage space in her Los Angeles studio where audience members not lucky enough to get real seats are relegated.

For DeGeneres' three-show Floridian stint (airing April 3 to April 5 in syndication), the show's punny producers -- with some help from Universal's scenic department -- crafted a seaworthy version of this limbo, dubbing it the Riff Raft. Executive producer Mary Connelley granted asap safe passage. This is what happened.

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2:49 p.m.: For the third "Ellen" taping, 21 people -- including one asap reporter and one certified lifeguard -- have been selected to be stranded in the middle of the Universal Orlando Resort lagoon for all land dwellin' tourists and the talk show host herself to either mock or envy. Whee!

But this is no booze cruise. During a pre-boarding safety spiel on a pier at Universal CityWalk, The Cap'n informs us that there will be no smoking or alcohol permitted on the Riff Raft. And to mount the Riff Raft, we'll have to don life vests and ferry over on another boat.

"I don't think this would save me," one passenger says of her tiny orange vest.

"I think they're just for insurance purposes," I retort.

"Exactly," says The Cap'n.

Gulp.

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2:56 p.m.: All aboard!

Everyone is safely transferred from the makeshift ferry, an open-air watercraft with two rails for passengers to grasp, to our destination for the next 90 minutes.

In a place full of fantasy, the Riff Raft is no exception. She's a good ship, two barges normally used to load fireworks that have been connected and covered in assorted castaway accouterment: burlap, barrels, seashells, bamboo and fish nets. But there's no Dharma Initiative cheese and crackers. The only sustenance aboard the Riff Raft is bottled water.

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3:21 p.m.: After nearly a half-hour of rocking back and forth, the show starts. Luckily, two large speakers have been installed on both sides of the Riff Raft so we seafaring souls can hear everything happening on stage. Seeing it? Well, that's another story. As DeGeneres enters stage right, from the bobbing barge we can only spot the talk show host's backside.

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3:23 p.m.: Dancing commences. We scream. DeGeneres and the audience groove to Nelly's "Tilt Ya Head Back." I just hope nobody on the Riff Raft has to tilt tha head over the side due to a case of sea sickness.

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3:27 p.m.: After the dancing, DeGeneres threatens to pump a phony TNT plunger on stage. She smashes it down. Nothing. She does it again. Nada. Eventually a water canon in front of the Riff Raft blasts us in the face. I believe we're supposed to feign intimidation, but the jets just offer us momentary relief from the overbearing Florida sun. We scream some more.

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3:29 p.m.: That's strange. From our vantage point, the Riff Rafters notice a woman crouched backstage, not visible to the audience, in a blonde wig and clothing suspiciously similar to DeGeneres. Is she a stand-in? An in-case-of-emergency animatronic? This is Orlando. I have seen stranger.

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3:36 p.m.: DeGeneres MCs a quickie talent contest featuring audience members from each section of the crowd -- except the Riff Raft. She says everyone in the winner's section will receive an annual pass to Universal Studios Florida and Islands of Adventure.

The winner juggles some tennis balls behind his back, I think. Or maybe he's standing on his head. It's too difficult to see from our raft perspective, about 50 feet off the coast of the "Ellen" show.

Later, of course, DeGeneres proclaims that everyone will receive free passes -- not just the juggler's neighbors. She doesn't sputter "You get a pass! You get a pass! You get pass!" a la Oprah, but the crowd goes COMPLETELY INSANE anyway. Over here on the Riff Raft, well, we're just wondering if we're included or if our ship has passed.

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3:42 p.m.: DeGeneres throws to commercial and starts running toward the lagoon, telling the audience she's going to swim over to the Riff Raft to apologize about CanonGate. The real Ellen disappears behind a curtain and that fake Ellen dives into the lagoon's murky depths and charges toward us. Zing! The magic of Hollywood!

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4:20 p.m.: LL Cool J performs. The RR can't love his performance 'cause we can't see or hear it.

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5 p.m.: That's a wrap. DeGeneres signs off and LL Cool J closes the show with "Mama Said Knock You Out" while the makeshift ferry comes back to rescue us. When we reach land, the Riff Rafters begin inquiring about those free annual passes. A Universal employee informs the castaways that there weren't enough for the Riff Raft.

Sheesh! Gilligan was treated better than this! Just as a mutiny on the SS Ellen is about to take place, another employee glides over with a stack of passes and starts passing them out. Argh! Thar be treasure here, mateys.

Oh wait. That's a different ride.

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Prior to boarding the Riff Raft, a publicist warned asap reporter Derrik J. Lang not to jump off.

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