The author of 'Unhooked Generation' shares with COLLEEN LONG a few tips on how to hold onto love.
Author Jillian Straus says in her new book that there's hope for us all, even the commitment-phobic. (AP Photo/HO/Hyperion)
Jillian Straus had a good job, good friends and a good apartment. A good relationship, however, seemed pretty hard to find.
Most of her friends were in the same predicament: Young, successful, and generally in dating hell. She started to wonder if it was an epidemic.
"They were all young urban professionals, struggling with the same questions. 'Why is to so hard to make a relationship last?'" she said. "We seemed to go out to brunch every week and talk about why it was so much easier for our parents' generation to stay together. I really wanted to go a step further and figure out if that was really true for more than just my circle."
Straus quit her job as an associate producer for "The Oprah Winfrey Show," and moved from Chicago to New York. She spent about two years researching and interviewing about 100 single men and women about their relationships and their lives. They talked about why they stayed single, why they married and divorced. Some discussed what they've learned about making relationships work.
The result, "Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single," is an analytical look at her research, discussing the stresses placed on singles today as a result of feminism and technology. The book went on sale Feb. 8, and 50,000 copies are in print, a good showing for a nonfiction book.
Straus is no scientist, and she clearly wrote about a very specific group of people: yuppies. But what she discovered helped her in her own relationship, and she thinks it may help you, too.
"Because I was writing about it, I was forced to put my theory into practice," she said. "It also helped that I was with someone who was mature and committal. Once I changed those things, the relationship really fell into place in a way that never had before. It's the happiest relationship I've ever been in."
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Need some help? Here are some tips from Straus on how to make a relationship work.
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1. Get rid of your checklist. You know you have it, tucked away in a shoe box somewhere or taped to the fridge. The list of superficial "must-haves" like "must wear wire-rimmed glasses and speak with a British accent," or "must know 'Catcher in the Rye' by heart and secretly worship 'Sleepless in Seattle.'" "We have unrealistic expectations," Straus said. "People aren't going to fill every quality you want," she said. "You have to weigh someone's qualities like loyalty and honesty on a different plane. Focus on what they have, not what they're missing."
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2. Don't expect it to happen instantly. Cultivating a relationship takes time. Just because you don't get hit by lightning the first time you lay eyes on a person doesn't mean they aren't worth it, Straus says. "If you're just meeting the person, there's no way to tell. You have to invest the time, get to know someone. It could take 10 dates to fall in love."
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3. Turn off the TV. Straus calls it the "Desperate Housewives" syndrome. "Marriage is boring; marriage is pain: That's what a lot of shows emphasize these days," she said. Straus said many of her friends expect life to be something like "Sex and The City," where the characters are "self-indulgent," and lead "responsibility-free lives." But life's not really like that, and the drama is confusing a lot of singletons on what to expect in a relationship. "It's never like it is on the TV, for good or bad," she said. "So stop treating it like reality."
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4. Compromise isn't settling. It doesn't mean the relationship isn't bad; it means it's real. "People just don't want to do it. They don't want to give an inch. But if you really want to be in a relationship, it's really important," Straus said. It doesn't make you weak, or wimpy. Relationships aren't supposed to be a cakewalk. "It's hard to make a transition from a me to a we. But you have to."
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5. Just pick one. There are seemingly a million types of toothpaste for sale, hundreds of styles of athletic shoes, and who knows how many types of pens. In today's world of online dating, people have become something you shop for, too. You can choose a woman's breast size, her eyes, height, and interests like picking out a sweater. But perhaps too much to choose from isn't a good thing. "We have this idea that more choice is always better. And we use the technology and think 'This person is good, but maybe there's someone better.' If you keep thinking like that, you'll never end up happy with someone."
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asap reporter Colleen Long had no idea how many types of toothpaste are out there.
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