Star Jones Reynolds rings in 2,000 episodes by showing off her wedding ring to "The View" audience. (AP Photo/Bernadette Tuazon)

Joy, I really don't have time to listen to your new material. I have to go move chairs. (AP Photo/Bernadette Tuazon)

Regis Philbin celebrates multiple episodes with the ladies of "The View." (AP Photo/Bernadette Tuazon)

In the nine years since ABC's "The View" premiered, I've seen maybe 12 episodes. Today will be No. 13 -- and I'll have a darn good view. I'm sitting in the front row for the 2,000th episode to see if "The View" from there is any different than the one in front of my television.

For 1,999 episodes, Barbara Walters and her chatty cadre have hemmed and hawed on this very guilty pleasure of a talk show that's become a daytime institution, often lampooned by "Saturday Night Live."

Sitting in talk show audiences is familiar territory for me. When I first moved to New York and struggled to survive, I sat in audiences of unremarkable shows, such as the now-canceled "Living it Up! With Ali & Jack," for a paycheck. I was a seat filler, gleefully clapping and acting like I was enjoying myself knowing that neither Ali or Jack could depend on tourists to do it for free.

But after 2,000 episodes and 18 Daytime Emmy Awards "The View" doesn't have to resort to audience prostitution. No, the hordes of mostly female audience members -- all seemingly members of The Church of Oprah -- come from across the nation to see Meredith Vieira, Star Jones Reynolds, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and (sometimes) Walters.

In the early years, a softly-lit Walters explained that she "always wanted to do a show with women of different generations, backgrounds and views" and then stereotyped each host (except for herself) with one-dimensional tags before gabbing with these gals and with special celebrity guests.

Today, they'll chat with Regis Philbin, who appeared in "The View" pilot, and Tom Selleck, who appeared in the first episode. The comfy set is draped in chiffon in honor of the occasion.

Here's "The View" during the commercial breaks:

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Break No.1

Vieira (in Waltersese: "working mother") closed out the "Hot Topics" segment, in which the only hot topic the ladies discussed today was their milestone, by shedding a tear. The cynic in me was sure the waterworks were just for the cameras. But no! The former "60 Minutes" correspondent had to actually wipe her gracefully wrinkled eyes during the break.

Meanwhile, Jones Reynolds ("professional in her 30s" -- who's actually 43 now) sauntered down to greet my section of the audience, asking "View"-ers about marriage. "Oh! Al last night..." she began a tale about her tabloid-splashed husband, Al Reynolds. My ears perked up, but she never actually revealed what happened "last night." Instead, she offered: "Husbands! We love them, but we want to kill them."

And that's not allegedly! She actually said it!

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Break No. 2

During one of the episode's many montages, Debbie Matenopoulos ("young woman just starting out"), who was later replaced with Lisa Ling who was later replaced with "Survivor" contestant Elisabeth Hasselbeck, blurts out that many young people are interested in alien beings in her original audition tape. "Now you know why she's no longer on the show!" Walters candidly exclaims to the studio audience.

Once they actually go to commercial, 10 men swap out the Plexiglas "View" table that the women huddle around (and they really do huddle -- that thing is tiny) with neutral-colored modular furniture. During the switcheroo, Joy Behar ("somebody who's done almost everything and will say almost anything") fumbles with her digital camera while Vieira and Hasselbeck share a hug.

So much for cat fights. The ladies really do seem to dig each other.

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Break No. 3

Isn't "The View" live? During the break, the audience is instructed to re-enact its first clappy, woo-hooy reaction to the ladies wondering onto the set at the show's start, one of the show's silly staples. Although the show is indeed broadcast live on the East Coast, apparently we weren't excited enough about the 2,000th episode for the West Coast. Later, Vieira passes by, shakes my hand and thanks me for coming. I think I'm going to cry! Or maybe these studio lights are just too bright.

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Break No. 4

Like some sort of David Lynchian daydream, a gigantic, intricate doll house-like cake in the shape of "The View" studio is rolled in front of me and hauled up on stage. It is the most insane confection I have ever seen in my life. It has replica audience members, replica "View" hosts and a replica tiny table (which in cake form is even tinier).

As the credits roll, a bevy of blue and gold balloons descend on the studio. Immediately, the balloons begin loudly popping -- pop! pop! pop! -- one after the other for several minutes as the ladies and other ABC muckety mucks pose for pictures.

Yes, the 2,000th "View" ended with a bang. Actually, many bangs.

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Derrik J. Lang ("young journalist with a taste for root beer") is an asap reporter based in New York.

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