Et tu, Festivus?
You meant well. You gave us heathens an alternative to the nativity and Black Friday. You countered the excesses of crazed box-store shoppers with only a steel pole and a tape recorder. You put family first, for better and for worse.
But there's irony in the aluminum these days. Festivus -- that holiday for the rest of us -- has become just like the rest of 'em.
Ever since Jerry Stiller brought the secular, anti-commercial day to the nation's attention on "Seinfeld" eight years ago, it has supplied Americans with crucial discontent when the only thing for sale was Christmas cheer. (Don't look for it on the new Seinfeld Seasons 5-6 DVD, it aired during Season 9.)
The Costanza family tradition, celebrated on Dec. 23, involved brutal honesty in its Airing of the Grievances, and an outlet for suppressed rage in the Feats of Strength. An undecorated aluminum pole, which Frank Costanza would pull from the crawlspace, supplanted the tree. The whole shebang was a reminder of how good you had it the rest of the year.
At least that was the intent.
The "happy holiday" backlash -- to paraphrase Kramer -- scratched so many people right where they itched that savvy businessmen have found it impossible to look the other way. Ben & Jerry's created an ice cream line, microbreweries made special Festivus batches, and some especially unscrupulous hucksters even sold Festivus poles.
Forgive my stodginess, I'm not really this big a Grinch. But let's face it. When it comes to Festivus, all the Whos in Whoville have sold out. While Festivus fundamentalists have managed to keep out one of the Almightys, the other -- the buck -- has flourished.
Festivus products are all over, including a book called "Festivus: A Holiday For The Rest Of Us," by Allen Salkin. He cashed in by compiling a stocking stuffer that collects Festivus stories from all over the country. He counts more than 100 Festivus celebrations across the country.
"I am a journalist, simply reporting on a phenomenon," Sarkin says. "I am not exploiting it."
Yeah right, says Daniel O'Keefe, "Seinfeld" writer and Festivus progeny. His father invented the holiday in the 1960s and his family celebrated it for 20 years before the Costanzas gave birth to the catch phrase. O'Keefe recently published "The Real Festivus" to set the record straight and combat Salkin's book.
"I'd love to say I sold out for the money, but book money is crap -- there's a grievance for you," said O'Keefe, who's now working on a pilot for "Fox." "I wrote it out of revenge and spite. I found out about this Allen Salkin and I wasn't going to let a jackal twist my childhood for a few extra bucks. Although, the rumors that I've place a $50,000 bounty on the head of Allen Salkin are completely false.
"'Schindler's List' was funnier than that book."
This sexy soap opera is only the first stop on a downward spiral. Let's discuss the pole. What was once a rite of refusal has become a cash cow. Two Web sites offer Festivus poles for almost $40 a piece. If that sounds insane, now hear this: one of them is completely sold out.
Julianne Donovon of Louisville, Ky., is one of the new breed of Festivus converts. She's been celebrating it for five years now.
"I don't want people to get hurt or sue me, so I thought of thumb wrestling," for her Feats of Strength, Donovon says. "I built a quick wrestling ring from a shoe box."
The heresy doesn't end there. She's invented her own angel -- Festivus Faustine. She has the body of a tree, a Cyclops eye with the star of David, candles coming out of her head to represent the solstice and a corn cob for Kwanzaa. The grievances aren't even face to face -- they're read randomly around a table. "Two people protested very loudly about that," Donovon says. "These guys were purists, they didn't want anything written down."
After some fierce interrogation, Donovon comes clean.
"OK, I admit, I have bastardized Festivus," she says. "But there's some misery at my party. Thumbs get hurt, fingernails get broken. C'mon, scratches are no fun."
Jenn Glandes, of Chicago, hosts possibly the biggest Festivus party in the country. She's even persuaded Goose Island Beer to brew her a special brew for her party on Dec. 30. But she's also dismayed by the blasphemization of the holiday.
"It's kind of amazing how commercialized it has become," Glandes says. "This may be my last one."
FIND IT ONLINE:
"Seinfeld," "The Strike"
"Festivus"
The Official Festivus Pole
More Festivus poles
asap reporter Otis Hart has a very high strength-to-weight ratio.
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